(Girl To Guy Ratios Review on April 28, 2012)

127 Ludlow St (between Delancey St & Rivington St) 

New York, NY 10002

(212) 358-1595     http://www.motorcitybar.com/

I went here with Ron-Ron and his old Hofstra friends for his b day,  We started off going to a number of LES spots, but ended up here because I never reviewed it and Ron-Ron thought the bathroom would be clean (he’s an idiot, it’s a pretty dirty place lmfao).  

While everyone was using the bathroom me and Ron-Ron struck up a conversation about this website.  Two older women just didn’t get it, they thought it was stupid, I’m wasting my time, yelp is better, & I need to fucking grow up.  So naturally I said something about them being too fucking old and haggard to understand what an important service I’m giving out to you three readers!  Then one flipped a shit, I began to laugh and turn around, and she bitched out Ron-Ron for a good few minutes.  What began as casual fun flirting with some lonely women turned into some real bull shit lmao.  I was pretty drunk at this point so I don’t know if I’m missing something or embellishing a bit too much, but regardless it was absolute bullshit lmao.  The bar’s decor was neat though!

As far as the bar itself it was very unique, it had all old car seats instead of chairs, and a bunch of Ford Motor and Goodyear signs, and a cool pinball machine that tempted me to waste my money on.  The specials seemed alright too, but then again I was pretty twisted lmao.  

P.S. Ron-Ron wanted to take a cab ride home, and was really playing up his brown-ness to the point where it was just laughable, and I pissed the cab driver off by saying “guys…how do we know he’s not just trying to rape us…” lmfao he was half upset, half fucking pissed off.  Peace guys, and happy B day Ron-Ron!

• 2-5
• $4 bud
• Mid 20’s -late 30’s

(Girl to Guy Ratio Review on April 20, 2012)

90 Greenwich Ave

New York, NY 10011

(212) 741-5279    www.johnnysbarnyc.com

Sorry I never posted this one guys, completely forgot about it!

Johnny’s bar is a little ways off out of the meat packing district, but I felt I needed to get one last review done for the sake of it you know, and this was the first place my random wondering took me.  The huge glowing red neon “Bar” sign makes it impossible to miss, don’t know why more place don’t just do that lmao.  

It’s the epitome of a really loved by the patrons dive bar.  I remember there were some real pretty girls here, despite the ratio not being too hot, the downfall being it was just incredibly packed, I stepped on madd feet and probably rubbed chubs on a few biscuits lmao.  if you come here come earlier and make friends, otherwise by the time I got there I just felt weird talking to mo fuckas because it was that packed.  depending on the situation I could recommend it!

So Glen’s dad saw the video of him breaking the wine glasses, and Glen tried lying about it, he’s now living in my apartment and all I asked of him is that he lets me edit and post his videos lmao…

(Girl to Guy Ratios Review on April 20, 2012)

675 Hudson St (between 13th St & 14th St) 

New York, NY 10014

(212) 699-2410   www.675bar.com

Originally I walked right by this spot, there was no line it was just bouncer guarding a stairwell, I was thinking yo…what the fi-duck is this shit lmfao, I was hoping it was some mafia shit or something cool. For whatever reason instead of asking the bouncer what it was, I just walked by.  After Dos Caminos there was a line outside, so I felt more comfortable standing on the line then just going in…Strange how the mind works, I went in after deciding I wanted to wait on the line instead of going in when there was no line…lmao

So after a decent 15 minutes waiting in the drizzle talking to some decent people (mostly out of towners) on line I finally got in, I didn’t expect anything, and I must say I was happily surprised, the place was pretty dope oh and the bouncers were very cool.  It had any type of setting you could possibly want the chill and play pool feel, to the grind on some booty shakers feel, to intimate little nooks to get cozy before watching nick at nite.  If you don’t have much of a game plan for the night and in there area, this is def the spot to come through just because it’ll allow whatever your subconscious wants you to actually accomplish in terms of going out.  I can recommend it no doubt

(Girl to Guy Ratios Review on April 20, 2012)

675 Hudson St (between 13th St & 14th St)

New York, NY 10014

(212) 699-2400    http://www.doscaminos.com/

Dos Caminos was the fourth spot I went to, don’t know why I went here, it’s much more of a restaurant,  I am too broke to buy any food here at the moment, was going to just ask how much a beer was, flirt with the hostess a bit, probably annoy her, then leave.  For some reason the bartender gave me a free beer though, I was so ecstatic lmao, an old friend gave me some free weed, and now I got a free beer, everyone was being so fucking nice to me lmao.

the spot itself was a small bar with a lot of restaurant tables.  I’m sure the food was good, but I can’t be sure lmao.  Now with the girls that were here, I’m just terrible in these types of situations with talking to people I feel like I’m being a bother more often than not. Also because I shaved my head almost bald the night before in a plight of potentially legitimate temporary insanity I wasn’t feeling to bother anyone besides the hostess lmao.  I was looking like Freddy Kruger/Popeye/Billy Crogan/Racist Charlie Brown(my favorite).  But yeah the hostess wasn’t fucking wit da God, so after the beer I moved onto the basement bar of 675.

(Girl to Guy Ratios Review on April 20, 2012)

859 Washington St (between 13th St & 14th St) 

New York, NY 10014

(212) 929-0655     http://www.hogsandheifers.com

(Girl To Guy Ratio Review on April 21, 2012)

55 Little W 12th St (between 10th Ave & Washington St)

New York, NY 10014

(212) 675-6686     www.brassmonkeynyc.com

So after doing dumbass tourist shit with Ron-Ron, I hit up the meat packing district alone to scope out shit for his b day the weekend after.  Most of the spots of course had a guestlist, so I went to the places that weren’t as self fuckin important.  The Brass monkey was my 1st spot.

This is one of best spots around for all the rejects of the other spots, including myself lmao.  It’s on one of the main meat packing district’s roads, but all the way down with nothing really surrounding it, it was aight, but could’ve been a bit better for a bar that seems like it’s trying to do everything.  It’s got three floors, the highest being the rooftop, thee bars a ton of sitting space, the only thing that this place could benefit from is more space for grinding.  The music that was playing was some real motor boating music, but because it was so crowded and the dancing spot was infiltrated by “just trying to sit at the bar and drink” spots, and I’m sure this deters some pretty fine biscuits. It’s much like Turtle Bay or Nutty Irishman in Bay Shore, just with more “just trying to get a beer and relax crowd” I’m guessing because there are so many grinding spots in this neighborhood.

I’d def recommend it if you can’t get into any of the other spots around, but at the same time it’s not necessarily always the best place to meet biscuits in this part of town.  Also I saw my dude from James from Hempstead shouts to him, madd random, he kept trying to give me coke and weed because it was 4/20, but c/mon son I’m sticking to Budweiser homie!  Also I’m giving this spot a generous 1-2 girl to guy ratio, it was teetering between 1-2/2-5, and normally I’d give the worse to be fair, but it was really just right beneath the 1-2 ratio.

• 1-2, almost 2-5
• 23-30’s
• $6 bud

So since I got no reviews done in my last spring break ever I figure if yall give a shit or not I’ll briefly tell you what happened, because my life is so fucking interesting lmao(to the two of you readers) (note, I’m drunk while writing this). Also should be noted my parents went on vacation so I stayed in Long Island at their house!

Friday:  I was at the very last Cooking With Christ, Every Good Friday my sacrilegious buddy James (same kid who helped me with the tuck-back mentioned in the earlier post) has been having a BBQ with his gay friends and I’m invited for some reason, he threw a beer in a girls face and the party took a turn for the worst.  I had an amazing time though!  Unfortunately I spit in a kid’s face and I do genuinely regret it…

Saturday:  My little sister Meg’s had a party, there were only a few rules like don’t steal anything, and I was allowed to motor boat anyone I wanted too.  I didn’t plan on motor boating anyone, but I ended up taking advantage of that rule.  Meg’s was pissed, but she got over it because it was purely for entertainment purposes.

Easter Sunday:  Spent the time with my family, and my little cousins, it was awesome, they are so cute!

Monday: I went to stony brook radio to chill with the mo fuckas at street FM @Ikeinfamous, @DJDocroc, @DJmickeyKnox, saw @Porterrelapse whose dropping a mixtape yesterday with some great underground LI hip hop, and met @JoeMilly whose doing big shit and was madd knowledgable on hip hop respect!

Tuesday:  I had an opportunity for another threesome, and again I blew it lmao… it’ll eventually happen!

Wednesday:  Worked a 16 hour day, pissed off my old girl who had big news to tell me, we got into a fight because I was working and couldn’t meet up…

Thursday:  The old biscuit wanted to meet up to tell me I am NOT THE FATHER OF HER CHILD!!!!!!!  Holy fuck it’s been scaring the shit out of me for a few months and holy fucking fuck, I’m so happy i’m not going to be a father yet!  Decided I was going to throw an impromptu party.  Me and my man MrKurtzsentiments (his videos are great if you understand what he’s going for) went to the mall and tried inviting random girls.  Conclusion, they told people to come, and about a million high schoolers came to my house… lmfao they were all really nice good kids, except one kid who came back with his dad and his dad’s guns trying to pop shit off, he was a retard lmao.  I almost couldn’t believe it happened, but to explain how pathetic it was, it was significantly funnier than scary, which really says a lot.  quote of the night “WE FROM DA RONK, WE FROM RONKONKOMA NIGGA!!!” said by a white kid wearing a bandana over his face….

Friday : I went to the Disco Unlimited show in Ollie’s point in amityville, and I’d have to say it got old fast. The Openers stole the show, O El Amor and especially the Trash Den Tigers (funny critique on TDT vid). Musically O El Amor were dope, but The Trash Den Tiger’s had a great stage presence, everyone was either loving it or just going what the fiduck, totally my lifestyle nahmsaying?

Saturday: Went to the FDNY/NYPD hockey game, we won 3-2, the Police department played like dirty fuckers as usual, but we still won haha hahaha fuck yall, fuck yall!  After I almost wasn’t allowed into Nutty Irishman’s Bay Shore because they said I fought some tuck-back last time, but I explained how gay he was and how good I’d behave so we celebrated my good friend Marianne’s birthday!

Overall besides the cleanup of the two parties, it was seriously the greatest shit of my life, and I’m going to continue just loving life no matter what happens, also the Rangers are madd ghey yo.  Seriously love every single one of yall, otherwise I wouldn’t have written this shit!  I love yall more than I love myself, which is SO much it’s unfathomable to you

(Girl To Guy Ratio Review on March 16, 2012)

322 E 14th St (between 1st & 2nd Ave)

New York, NY 10003

(212) 477-4744     http://www.facebook.com/nowherebar

Here’s my first entertaining review in quite some time, I’m sorry it’s been awhile, but have some good things in store for you two or three readers very soon.  I walked by this spot seeing madd girls here thinking to myself oh shit, I’ve been in this neighborhood a number of times, what’s stopped me from coming here?

So then I give my ID to the bouncer, and he was very flamboyant, like really really gay, and he was pretty small too, If I still thought I was a tough guy, I’d have totally thought I could’ve taken him down with ease.  I’m a little suspicious that it may be a gay bar at this point, but the amount of women outside made me want to check the spot out.  Then I walk up to the door, and the first thing I see are stickers spelled out to say “You are so GAY!”.  At that point I contemplated leaving, but then I was like in my head I’d look like such a piece of shit after chit chatting with the bouncer and leaving because it was a gay bar, then I realized I was standing in front of the door too long, and decided I’ll take a piss and if it’s really too much for me I’ll just leave.  

The first thing I noticed was the ratio of girl to guys was amazing, most were lesbians, but still, some were total biscuits.  The second thing I noticed was that some dudes were dressed up in feather costumes and shit, had skin exposed and then I realized it was a bit much for me lmfao. Also this annoyed me, When I asked a girl where the bathroom was, she thought I said “Do you want to come to the bathroom with me?” and flipped out yelling “THIS IS WHY I GO TO THE GAY CLUBS!!”… Like yo, fuck off bitch lmao.

So I went to the bathroom, took some of the NYC condoms they had for free, asked how much a bud costs, and went on my way. Also those NYC condoms; the packaging sucks, they wont last long in your pocket, and the circumference is a bit small.  Just so yall know.

• 2-3 a lot of lesbians though
• $4 budweiser
• I forgot the age range, I’m guessing the girls were 23ish-early 30’s

(Girl To Guy Ratio Review on March 16, 2012)

393 2nd Ave (between 22nd St & 23rd St)

New York, NY 10010

(212) 683-3180     www.mcswiggansbar.com

Mcswiggins was aight, I have very little remembrance of that night because I was double checking all of the other places in the area and was a little shitty at this point, but remembered it was a regular but fun bar, and remember everyone was really nice.  They had a pool table covered with a piece of plywood to play beer pong,  I felt right at home as once a frequent crasher to Stony Brook House parties. 

Don’t be discouraged by the plywood thing though, it’s normally not that bad, that was the only time I’ve seen it like that actually lmao.  The ratio was pretty decent for this type of spot too, I can recommend it if in the area, against the wall bar, comfortable feeling, not too rowdy crowd, it’s aight

(Girl to Guy Ratios Review on March 10, 2012)

138 Ludlow St (between Rivington St & Stanton St)

New York, NY 10002

(212) 477-0280     http://www.facebook.com/Local138NYC

After leaving the nest of shitbirds over at Iggy’s I forced the crew to get one more beer so I could get the review.  Absolutely nothing interesting happened as we stood around awkwardly waiting to finish our beers, so I’m sorry for this lame ass review lmao.  

The bar itself was fairly common, the ratio of girls to guys wasn’t too poppin though, probably because the DJ was playing Wu-Tang. And even though I was in heaven, it took me years to learn Wu-heads don’t get the right biscuits, if they get any that is lmao.  But I loved the DJ, and they had a nice lounge in the back with the red subliminally advertising budweiser walls lmao.  I’m sure it could have been better, and I’m assuming I just went on a bad night, because the vibe could pull more than a 1-3 ratio no problem, at the same time LES has better bars for meeting girls all over